


I Could Have Fallen Into Him

by Bluedream1020



Category: South Park
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, Gay, Gay Sex, M/M, My First Fanfic, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-09 03:18:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8873710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluedream1020/pseuds/Bluedream1020
Summary: I'm in love with him. Plain and simple. It is such an easy thing to accept, yet such a difficult thing to live with. But there is nothing I can do to change the fact that I am helplessly and desperately in love with my best friend, so there's no benefit in denying it. A Style fanfic (Kyle POV), with a little Bunny thrown in. Comments are greatly appreciated, Enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfic that I have ever written, and I really put all of my heart and soul into it so I hope you guys enjoy (: I am reposting this from Fanfiction.net so I am already done with this story and working on the sequel, so I will probably post this full story by the end of the weekend (However, I'm going out of town this weekend so I might not be able to upload it all until Monday). Thanks for Reading!

I’m in love with him. Plain and simple. It is such an easy thing to accept, yet such a difficult thing to live with. But there is nothing I can do to change the fact that I am helplessly and desperately in love with my best friend, so there’s no benefit in denying it. 

I watch his brown eyes stare at the screen with such intent. I love how passionate he can get sometimes, even if it’s just over a video game. I love the moments where he’s distracted enough with something that I can just watch him. I soak in every second I can get of his face, oblivious to my gaze. He has a huge smile on his face because he has a 200 note streak. He’s always been better at Guitar Hero than me, despite his constant persisting that we are equal in skill. 

Stan has always tried to make me feel like I was equal to him. For example, once when we were 12 and playing football with the guys, everyone was clearly much more coordinated than I was. Even Cartman, who couldn’t run more than 10 feet without needing a breather, could at least catch the ball when it came down to it. 

Realizing I wasn’t exactly made for the game, I just stayed out of everyone’s way and let the guys who could actually play like Stan and Craig do their thing. All of a sudden I noticed a ball hurling at me and next thing I knew my eyeball was in excruciating pain. All I could hear was Craig screaming at me for being such a shitty catcher. I opened my eyes to see Stan punch him in the face. No one seemed to really be surprised, and I even found myself being surprisingly okay with it. Stan just walked over to me and took me to his house to put ice on my eye and assured me that it was Craig’s throw that was the issue. 

Of course I knew that wasn’t true, but I did appreciate what Stan was trying to do. It’s what he always tries to do: make me happy. However, lately he has been doing that a little too well. I can’t help but be in complete bliss when I’m with him.

“Kyle?”

Fuck he’s making eye contact with me. How long ago did he notice I was staring at him? “Sorry dude I was just thinking about that Geometry test tomorrow,” I lie. 

He must believe me because his facial expression relaxes and he just gives me a nod and smile. “God damn Kyle, you are such a nerd,” he mutters under his breath. He holds out the guitar, “Do you wanna give it a try?”

I look up at the clock. 11:50 P.M. Fuck. Time always goes by so fast when I’m with him. “Sorry dude my mom will kill me if I’m not back by midnight. Maybe tomorrow?” I say that last part with a hint of sympathy. 

“Alright you Goody Two-Shoes,” he says with a chuckle, “I’ll see you at the bus stop tomorrow”. 

“Goodnight Stan”.

“Goodnight Ky”. 

I walk out of his room and shut the door behind me. Even if he seems okay with it, I know that he gets lonely here, and I hate leaving him alone. Even more, I hate what I leave him for. My overbearing mother. My father who listens to her every order. And my egotistical little brother. They’re just all too much for me to handle sometimes.

I walk out of Stan’s front door into the cool September air. The walk to my house is just a few feet away so I decide to stay out and feel the refreshing breeze for a little while longer. The street is almost pitch dark and I can barely see anything, and it’s all so calming. After a few minutes I turn and walk to my front door. I sigh loudly and turn the knob.  
Ike is watching a Presidential debate on CNN. He has always had such an interest in politics, which makes him feel as if he is smarter than everyone else. And truth be told, that little asshole is. He is like a child genius or something. And it isn’t because of all the politics he watches, or that he always studies like I do. Being smart and a good student just comes naturally to him, and that isn’t something he is afraid to show off to others. 

I speed past him, trying desperately to avoid the inevitable speech about why one candidate is better than the other. I reach the stairs and silently try to make it to my room so I can just lay in my bed and go to sleep. As I reach for my doorknob I hear the noise I’ve been dreading. 

“Bubbie why are you home so late??” she says in pitch that is almost deafening. 

“I lost track of time at Stan’s house. Don’t worry I already finished all of my homework,” I manage to say in my most irritated voice, which my mother doesn’t catch on to.

“You better have. You should have been in bed hours ago. If this affects the grade you get on that Geometry test you have tomorrow, your father and I are going to have a talk about you going over to Stan’s so often. I will not have that boy jeopardize your future young man,” she blurts out in an excruciating string of sentences.

“Okay mom.” I close the door behind me and collapse on the bed. I hate that I have to be so distant from her sometimes, but tonight I just can’t deal with it. I have too many things on my mind, Stan being first on the list. 

The feelings I have had for him have been there for a while, possibly even since I was 12. But it wasn’t until a few months ago on my 15th birthday that I think I realized the extent of my feelings for him. My mom let me invite one friend to Pi Pi’s Splashdown, and I of course chose Stan. I don’t know what it was exactly, but something about the way I felt for him changed that day. It could have been the way that he was comforting me on the way up to the highest waterslide in the park when I started getting nervous. Or maybe it was the way he kept dragging me underwater in the lazy river and I could feel his skin on mine. Whatever it was that triggered this is still unknown to me. All I do know is one thing. I’m in love with him. Plain and simple.


	2. His Eyes Lay Heavy On Mine

I wake up very gradually.  My dreams slowly morph into reality. I’ve already forgotten what my dreams were, but I’m sure they were about Stan. They always are. I just lay there for a few moments, trying to convince myself to not shut my eyes. I finally drag myself out of bed and walk to the bathroom, taking a look into the mirror. My hair looks like shit. It is much shorter than it was when I was younger, but the curls are still hard to deal with.

I hop into the shower and let the freezing water bring me to full consciousness. The thought of going to school today fills me with dread, but there is too much going on today for me to miss. I dry off and begin to get dressed. I question whether or not to wear my ushanka to school since it isn’t very cold out, but decide I should in order to save me from the hassle of styling my hair.

I walk down the stairs and out the door, deciding against eating breakfast. I walk until spotting the bus stop, with Stan already there. He is on his phone, most likely texting Wendy, so he doesn’t notice me approaching. His relationship with Wendy is very confusing to me. Stan is completely into the relationship, dedicating much more time, effort, and money than most would expect of him. However, Wendy is much less enthusiastic about the idea of a permanent relationship with Stan. She of course does care about him, but I don’t think she sees a future with Stan after high school. But then again that is three years away, so I wouldn’t bet on them breaking up any time soon.

I reach the bus stop and Stan locks eyes with me. “Loving the hat Ky,” he jokingly winks at me, then looks back down to his phone, and I struggle to hold my composure. Stan is as straight as could be, but I’m glad that he is comfortable enough with his sexuality to make remarks some would consider “gay”. I’m also glad he actually noticed I wore my ushanka today, since I hardly do these days. He doesn’t realize that a little remark like that can make me filled with joy for hours.

“Thanks. I wore it just for you,” I smirk, “Something going on with Wendy?” I notice he hasn’t put away his phone the entire time I’ve been here.

“Nah not really. She just wants to hang tonight and is being kind of difficult on where,” he still isn’t looking at me.

“Just take her to the movies.”

“I already asked, but she doesn’t like any of the movies playing,” he sighs deeply, running his hands through his hair.

“Would you even be paying attention to the movie?” I ask, hoping to lighten the mood.

He laughs softly. “Probably not”. He keeps the smile on his face after realizing I’m looking at him. He takes a deep breath, turns off his phone, and looks at me. “Did your mom give you any trouble last night?” he asks, with more concern in his voice than he probably felt.

“She tried,” I sigh, “I kind of just blew her off. I was not in the mood to get another lecture on how I spend too much time at your place”.

“Yeah I know what you mean. Wendy has kind of been giving me a hard time about spending so much time with you too. She feels like since she’s my girlfriend I should be spending my free time with her.”

I smile and roll my eyes, but I am kind of shocked. I know my mom has always had some discomfort with the amount of time I spend with Stan, but Wendy? I just don’t see why me and Stan hanging out more than most best friends do is such a big deal. I mean we _are_ Super Best Friends.

I hear a voice in the distance that immediately makes me irritable. Cartman.  I look to my left and see him and Kenny walking towards us. They seem to be arguing. Well actually, Cartman seems to be arguing while Kenny is just expressionlessly staring ahead, most likely blocking out Cartman’s every word. I can begin making out what Cartman is saying and it almost makes me want to crack up laughing

“Just face it Kenny, no one would want to fuck a poor kid like you, especially since I am currently single”. Cartman’s ego over the years has gotten bigger, if that’s possible. He constantly lives in a delusion that everyone enjoys his company, when in fact people avoid him at all costs. When we were younger most people could put up with his racism, sexism, and overall just being an awful person. But at this point, it has gotten old, and even Butters ignores him these days.

“Listen up fatass, no one would fuck you even if they were wearing a hazmat suit so you can shut your damn mouth and let me wait for the bus in peace,” Kenny blurts out, resulting in Cartman desperately looking for a retort, but deciding to keep his mouth shut. Kenny can be a bit harsh sometimes, but only when it’s necessary. Overall he is a really chill guy, and also not too bad looking. He started wearing his hood down a few years back and people actually began noticing how attractive he was. Luckily, it hasn’t gone to his head since he has always been a pretty confident kid. But it did open Kenny to a whole new world. He realized that he had options, so he has never let anyone “hold him down”. I wouldn’t call Kenny a slut in any way, but he just isn’t a commitment kind of guy, and I totally respect that.

The bus pulls up to the stop and we all board it. Stan and I usually sit next to each other unless Wendy’s parents aren’t able to drive her to school, in which he sits next to her. But luckily today isn’t one of those days and I secure a spot next to Stan. However, we spend the majority of the ride in silence. He doesn’t look up from his phone once.

When we arrive to school and exit the bus, Stan immediately storms off. Something is really bothering him today. I enter the school, searching for Stan. I finally spot him by his locker, talking to Wendy. She looks pissed. But she isn’t saying anything, just standing there, watching Stan yell. I knew this had to be bigger than a disagreement on where they should meet up tonight. Stan isn’t the type to yell for something like that. He is very cool tempered, and almost always goes along with what Wendy does or says. Something really has him riled up.

I decide to stop watching them and give them their privacy, so I begin walking to my first period. I have English, which might be my favorite class because I have both Stan and Kenny in it. There are only a few other kids already there since the late bell doesn’t ring for another 10 minutes. I decide I might as well use them to catch up on sleep, and lay my head on my desk, and slowly drift into unconsciousness.

In my dream, everything is dark, but the moon illuminates everything enough to where I can make out a figure sitting on a bench. It’s Stan. We are at Starks Pond. He looks so sad and alone, so I try calling out to him. He can’t hear me. I can’t hear him. I can’t feel anything but his sadness. Everything becomes shapeless and colorless. But I begin to hear something faint. It is growing louder and louder.

“Kyle!” I raise my head to find Stan’s eyes meeting mine, “Class is starting. You wouldn’t want to miss the invigorating day of learning we have ahead of us now would you?” His sarcasm fails to lift my spirit as I try to readjust to the living world, but I force a smile anyway.

“Sorry I was so overcome with excitement that I must have passed out,” I reply, which is met with the sound of Stan’s laughter. I love that sound more than anything. I want to ask him about Wendy and what had him so tense earlier, but I don’t want to wipe the smile from his face so I decide against it.

I keep mostly quiet for the rest of the class as I try to pay attention to the lesson, but I can’t help but think about that dream. Something about it seemed so vivid. I glance over at Stan every once in a while who is cracking up with Kenny, probably making jokes about Kenny and Cartman’s conversation from earlier. Stan seems so happy and full of life. He emits an energy that you can’t help but feel completely at ease when you’re near him. But in that dream, the energy was so different. It was cold and empty.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by the bell ringing. Stan waits for me at the door while I put away my notebook. “Hurry your ass up Kyle! My coach will kill me if I’m late again,” Stan yells. I hurry to the door and we both exit the room. Stan has football the same period I have gym, so we can still walk to the locker rooms together.

“Since when are you concerned about being late?” I ask, genuinely curious as to why he was in such a rush.

“If I’m late again I’ll get a detention, and if that happens I will get a three hour lecture from Wendy on how I need to already start thinking about my future and how a detention looks bad on your record”.

“Dude, not to be invasive but Wendy seems to be really overbearing lately. Everything alright?” I try to make eye contact with him, but he just keeps looking at the ground.

I can see Stan struggling to find the right words to express whatever he wants to say. “Everything is fine Kyle, don’t worry about it. Okay?” he says warmly. He gives me an obviously fake smile, but I decide not to pry anymore. This whole Wendy thing is starting to piss me off. Don’t get me wrong, Wendy is a great friend. She is really fun to talk to and she is a very dependable person, but when she’s around Stan she just becomes this overbearing control freak.

We walk into the locker room just moments before the late bell rings. I begin getting my clothes out of my locker and I turn around to see that Stan is already shirtless and taking his pants off. He has never really been embarrassed or ashamed of his body, and there is no reason he should be. He has a very toned body for a 15 year old, but he never really brags about it.

“Hey Ky?” he begins walking over to me, wearing nothing but his boxers.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I try not to stare at his body, especially anything below the waist, but it is so damn hard not to.

“Do you think you can make it to the game after school? It’d be really great having you there. Then maybe we can hang afterwards?” he asks in a tone that I haven’t heard before. He sounds vulnerable.

“Yeah of course I can. I thought you were hanging with Wendy tonight though?” I’m confused by his sudden attitude change.

“We decided tonight just wasn’t a good night. I’m going to be exhausted by the game so I probably wouldn’t be good company anyways.”

“Wow, then I sure can’t wait to see you,” I chuckle, “but yeah I can definitely go tonight”.

“Alright cool,” he smiles. It seems sincere. He slips into his uniform and begins walking off. “Hey Kyle,” he hesitates for a second, “Thank you”.

I look at him. His eyes fall on mine. “No problem Stan”.

The rest of the school day goes by pretty fast. I don’t see Stan at lunch, and Geometry and Chemistry are pretty boring since I don’t have either him or Kenny in my class. The end of the day comes after what seems like a hundred years. I quickly walk out of the front doors of the school and decide to go straight to Stan’s game.

I get to the stadium which is mostly empty. I spot Butters fumbling with his fingers and decide to take a seat next to him. “Hey Butters, how are you doing?”

He gives me a warm smile. “Oh h-hey Kyle. I’m doing swell, just waiting on someone is all”.

“Waiting on someone? Like a date?” Butters isn’t really the type to go on dates. Not that he isn’t dating material, because he’s the sweetest kid I know. It’s just he’s really shy and is unlikely to let anyone know he is interested in them.

“Yeah, I g-guess you could say that,” he quietly replies. He looks into the distance and his face brightens up. “There he is now!” I turn my head to see who this mystery date was, and to my surprise I see a familiar orange parka.

“Kenny?!? You’re on a date with Kenny?” I say with a little more passion than I intended. Kenny seems unfazed by my outburst and embraces Butters, to which he reacts by blushing. After having a second to think it over, it all makes sense to me. Kenny has definitely expressed interest in guys before, and Butters isn’t exactly the poster child for heterosexuality. And even more than their sexuality, they just seem to fit. Kenny is outgoing and has no filter, while Butters is shy and always afraid to speak his mind. They complete each other perfectly. I’m actually surprised I hadn’t thought of it before.

The game finally begins and my eyes are immediately drawn to Stan. He looks amazing in his uniform, and you can really tell he belongs on the field when he puts it on. The game lasts for about two hours and most of the time I don’t even know what’s going on, but I do know that we are winning. The last minute of the game is pretty tame. The other team knows there is no way they can score two touchdowns in such a short amount of time, so the opposite side of the stadium is pretty silent.

The clock finally hits zero and we all start cheering. I say goodbye to Kenny and Butters, and begin walking down the steps, hoping to find Stan in all the confusion. After about ten minutes I see Stan exiting the locker room. “Stan!” I yell, hoping to catch his attention.

Luckily it works and he begins making his way towards me. “Hey Ky, what’d you think of the game?”

“I loved it. You were great out there,” he immediately smiles.

“Thanks dude, but the other team just kind of sucked honestly”.

“Yeah they really did,” I laugh, “so do you want to head to Whistlin’ Willy’s?” I want to get away from all of this noise.

“Yeah that’d be great,” he is overjoyed by my suggestion, “I’m starving,”

We decide to walk there since it isn’t too far away. Everything in this town is walking distance from one another. We walk inside and we grab a table. Just then I realize that the 44 ounce Coke I had at the game is finally hitting me. I get up from my seat, “I have to pee. Be right back,” I take off to the restroom.

This was nice, being alone with Stan. I miss hanging out after his games. Now he has Wendy for that, so I was surprised when he invited me earlier. After finishing up peeing I begin heading back to our table, then look up and stop dead in my tracks. Wendy is standing at our table, visibly pissed off. She looks over and catches a glimpse of me.

“He’s here!?! What the fuck Stan? You said that you had to study and that’s why you had to cancel our plans tonight! You better fucking start explaining yourself because I am getting sick and tired of this thing you have with him!” Wendy clearly isn’t one for subtlety.

“Wendy I’m sorry, I just needed a night to relax. You have been on my ass for weeks with jealously and I just couldn’t handle another night of it. I love you but sometimes it’s a little much to handle. You have to understand that,” Stan is keeping a cool temper. More than I could if I were in his situation.

Wendy glares at Stan, then looks over at me, and takes off. I walk over to Stan, confused by what just happened. “What the hell was that about?”

“Kyle,” he rests his forehead on his palms, “this isn’t your fault in any way but…” he pauses, unsure how to get the next part of his sentence out, “Wendy thinks I’m cheating on her with you.”  I’m taken aback. I don’t even know what to say. I knew they were having issues, but did she honestly believe Stan could cheat on her? And with me? He continues, “I don’t know dude. I have told her a million times we are just friends, but she is just so convinced there is something more going on”.

Just friends. Those words hurt me, but I can’t show it. Not right now. This was about Stan, not me. “Stan, I’m sorry.  I had no idea,” I hate what I’m about to say, “Do you think that maybe,” I exhale, “do you think that maybe we should start seeing each other less. I mean I don’t want this to jeopardize-“

“Kyle no,” he interrupts, “like I said this isn’t your fault in any way. This is something I just have to talk out with Wendy. You shouldn’t have to suffer just because she’s being a little psycho,” he laughs, but there was no sense of joy behind it.

I’m assured by his words. I believe them. And in some sick twisted way, I’m thrilled to discover he wouldn’t give me up for her. It’s something I’ve always wondered. “Are you sure?” I ask, giving him one last option to take the easy route out of this.

“Ky, I’m sure,” he puts his hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look into his eyes, “Plus, you still haven’t beat my high score on Guitar Hero,” he begins cracking up.

I love how easily he can lighten the mood. “I’m getting there asshole, and soon you are going to be desperately trying to get to _my_ high score”.

“If you say so Ky,” he takes his hand off my shoulder and flags down the waiter to order. We both manage to finish two large pizzas, with Stan taking on most of it. He has to eat a ton of calories per day in order to make up for all the ones he burns during football.

After finishing our meal, we begin walking back to Stan’s place. He starts talking about the game and pointing out the faults of the other team, using terms I could never hope to understand. But I smile anyways, because the grin on his face is contagious. I smile because I could listen to his voice for hours. I smile because I imagine this moment going on forever. I smile because as selfish as it sounds, and whether or not I’m looking too deep into it, Stan chose me.


	3. Right Now, I Can Pretend That He Does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it is taking me a little bit longer to post than I anticipated. I am slightly editing the chapters before I post them (Spelling errors, grammar mistakes, or anything else I might has missed the first time posting). I should be done by tomorrow or Tuesday. Hope you enjoy this one (:

_He chose me._ I know that Stan didn’t announce that he has been secretly in love with me for as long as I have and leave Wendy for me, but for the situation I am in, this is as close as I'm going to get to it. Even after that night 2 weeks ago, I still suspected that Stan would start wanting to hang out less to throw off Wendy's suspicions, but if anything we have started to hang out even more, and I've loved every second of it.

As for Stan and Wendy's relationship, things started to cool down a few days back. I guess she started to realize that someone like Stan would never jeopardize things with her for someone like me. It just wouldn't make sense.

The idea of them still being together isn't exactly appealing to me, but it's not like anything has changed, or like anything will ever change. Plus I have to be a good friend to Stan and act like I'm happy for him patching things up with Wendy.

I quickly pull myself out of my thoughts as I remember what I'm doing. I'm getting dressed for the Homecoming dance. Normally, I wouldn't want to go to a dance full of teachers trying to pull apart horny teens grinding on each other, but it meant a lot to Stan that I go with him and Wendy. I know that the group dynamic is going to quickly involve me becoming the third wheel, but that feeling is nothing new to me.

I look at the clock. 6 _:41._ Shit, Stan's supposed to pick me up soon. I quickly put my shoes on and take a glance in the mirror for the 8th time. I find it a little ironic that I try to look my best for Stan every time I see him, yet I know that truly, Stan will never notice. He will never see my shirt and think, "Wow that shirt really looks nice on Kyle's body". He will never see my hair and think, "It must have taken Kyle hours to style his hair that way". He will never see my face and think, "Kyle has really pretty eyes". He will never notice.

I hear a car honking, and I know that it's Stan. I quickly grab my phone and dart down the stairs, not wanting to make Stan wait. "I'm leaving!" I yell into my living room as I open the front door, not sure exactly who it was aimed at. I see Stan waiting in his red pickup, looking down at his phone. Even though I'm still on my front porch, I can hear music blaring from his truck. It's some obscure indie music that Wendy is trying to get him into. I make my way to the passenger seat door and quickly get inside to escape the cold. Even though it's only October, the temperature already can drop down into the 30s.

I take a look at Stan, and he looks amazing. I'm pretty sure he's wearing the tuxedo he wore to his Grandpa's funeral so it must be at least 3 years old. His hair looks messy, but it's cute.

"Hey Ky," He looks up from his phone for only a moment.

"What the hell is this music?" I ask, laughing to let him know I'm only semi-serious.

"Hey don't hate on it," He chuckles, "It's actually pretty good." He looks up to see my reaction. I give him an emotionless stare to let him know I'm not pleased with his response. A huge smile appears on his face. "Alright, you have a point, it's pretty bad." He turns the volume down to nearly zero. "Don't tell Wendy I said that though." He commands, giving me a wink as an offering for my silence.

"Don't worry man, I won't," Fuck that wink sent shivers all over my body. "Speaking of Wendy, where is she? I thought you were going to pick her up too."

"Nah, she decided to just meet me there," he turned his keys and started the car, "I don't know she was being weird about it." I can't think of an appropriate response, so I just mutter "oh", and we take off towards the school.

We are at the dance half an hour early to help Wendy put up decorations since she's on the Homecoming committee, so we easily secure a spot near the entrance of the school. We meet Wendy at the gym and she immediately hands me signs to start plastering on the walls, and then subsequently embraces Stan. I turn away quickly so that if they start kissing I don't have to see it. I know that may sound childish, but hey if childish means me not wanting to see the guy I'm in love with making out with a girl who doesn't even appreciate how lucky she is to have him, sign me up.

The gym actually looks pretty nice so far. Half of it is filled with tables which are covered in surprisingly very nice looking white tablecloth, while the other half is empty and is going to act as a dancefloor. I begin trying to space out the signs as evenly as possible. Even though that helping Wendy decorate for a dance I don’t even want to be at is not something that particularly excites me, I can't help that I am a perfectionist. If I'm going to do this, I might as well do it right.

Before I know it I'm out of signs and I take a step back to admire my work. It actually doesn't look bad at all. Satisfied with my achievement, I take a look at my phone. _7:28._ Great, people will start arriving any minute.

"It looks great Kyle," I turn around to see Stan staring at the wall.

"Thanks, I take pride in my work," I smile, looking at his face also light up.

"Hey have you seen Wendy? She told me she wasn’t feeling well about 10 minutes ago and I haven't seen her since." He looked genuinely concerned about her, which selfishly made me upset. It isn't that I hate the idea of Stan caring about anyone other than me, because that would be crazy. It’s just her. I know if the situation was reversed, she wouldn't be concerned, not truly. She would get upset that now he wouldn't be able to dance with her. I know her.

"No, sorry man I haven't. I guess I was too invested in my work. I'm sure she's just in the restroom though." I try to put on my most reassuring voice, not wanting Stan to be worried. His face visibly calms down, and he walks away towards the women's restroom.

Despite how it may seem, he is probably even more caring than I am. I can see it in little things he does for people. Once when we were younger, he took the blame for us forcing Butters to sneak out late with us to TP a teacher's house (again). He told Butters' parents that Butters actually tried to stop us so that they wouldn't ground him for too long, which technically wasn't far from the truth. Butters has admired Stan ever since for that.

Then there was another time where Kenny's parents got arrested for Marijuana possession, and Stan convinced his parents to let Kenny and Karen stay with them until things got resolved. Kenny is the type of guy to never forget something like that, and even though Kenny doesn’t talk to Stan as much as I do, I know that there is a genuine respect between them.

Then there was this one night a few years ago that I was so overwhelmed about being in the closest, I had a small breakdown. Stan immediately came rushing to my house. I initially told him that I was just stressed about school, but he could instantly tell I was lying. That was the night that I came out to him. He didn't say much, he just sat on the floor with me and held me in his arms until I calmed down. He stayed awake with me all night and we watched reruns of Terrance and Phillip until I fell asleep in his arms. I think about that moment every night before I fall asleep, usually pretending that the pillows I lay upon are his arms.

I notice that the gym has filled up pretty quickly, which pulls me out of my thoughts. I take a seat at one of the empty tables and decide to just stare at my phone until Stan or Wendy shows up, terrified of having to interact with anyone outside of my social circle.

With each song that passes, the room becomes more and more suffocating, and I feel more and more lifeless compared to the crowds of people surrounding me. I decide to leave the gym and try to find Stan. I take off towards the gym doors, trying not to bring too much attention to myself. Finally, I reach the door and push it open. I immediately see Stan sitting up against the wall next to the girl's restroom. He meets my stare and gives me a warm smile. I clumsily make my way over to him, my legs shaking from his non-averting eyes.

I finally take a seat next to him, "How's she doing?"

"Well, she hasn’t responded to any of my texts or calls, and I'm starting to get the feeling she's not in there." He gestures to the girl's restroom. That's strange. She seemed completely fine when we first arrived, and it's not really like her to ignore a call from someone. "Do you want to just get back to the gym and enjoy the dance? I have no idea where the hell she is and I don’t really want that to ruin our night.” He picks himself up from the floor and turns toward the gym, making my mind up for me.

I decide to follow until we both hear a strange noise coming from the gender neutral bathroom that was installed here after South Park got all politically correct. It sounds like a muffled yell. We both stand still, not really sure what to do. Then, we hear a loud bang and take off towards the restroom. Stan grabs the door handle and pushes it open quickly, and he just stands there motionless. I try to see what was inside, but he is blocking my view.

He silently turns around and begins walking towards the front entrance of the school. "Stan, Wait!" I hear a familiar voice yell from inside the bathroom. I take this opportunity to look inside. Wendy is bent over, shirtless and pants around her ankles, with Token right behind her, completely naked. It takes me a while to really process what is going on, and once I do, I take off after Stan. I turn around to see that Wendy isn't following us, which for some reason doesn’t surprise me.

I push the front doors of the school open. Stan is crossing the street towards Starks Pond. He leaves my sight as I wait to cross the street. I run through the trees until I see a silhouette sitting on a bench. The moon illuminates it enough so that I can tell that it's Stan. He's staring at the ground, unaware of my presence. I take a seat next to him and he still doesn't seem to notice I'm there, or maybe he does and he just refuses to acknowledge me. We sit there in silence for so long. I begin memorizing the rhythm of his breath as I see it leave into the cold October air.

"She's a bitch," he finally breaks the silence. It sounds less like a statement and more like a realization.

"I know," I don't know what to say. I never know what to say.

"Is this her way of payback or something for her thinking I was sleeping with you?" He asks, more as a question to himself than to me, but I answer anyway.

"No I don’t think that it is. She might be a cheating whore (wow that sounded less harsh in my head), but I don’t think that she isn't the type to hold a grudge like that. I think that this happened because of her, not you. I know her."

He looks up at me, tears in his eyes, "I deserve this. I'm a shitty boyfriend who spends too much time being an asshole and I never-"

"Stop!" I cut him off. I can't listen to him blame himself for this. "You did absolutely nothing to warrant her doing this to you. This is her being selfish. This is her being greedy. This is her abusing this power she has over you. This is her being Wendy! You don't deserve this shit Stan!"

"Kyle, I-"

"No Stan! I won't let you blame yourself for this when I know for a fact you are an amazing boyfriend. You are caring and thoughtful, you are funny, you are there for people when they really need you. You are worth so much more than you think! She does not deserve you". I have no idea where all of this came from, but I don't regret saying any of it.

He looks at the pond for a while, and surprisingly a smile appears on his tear soaked face. "Do you remember the summer before freshman year when we dared each other to jump into the pond nude?" At first I'm taken aback by his question, but then I began giggling as I recall that day.

 "I remember you pretending to drown, and when I went to go try to save your life you pushed my head under the water like an asshole" I say in my most deadpan voice.

"Ugh! Are you still on that? You've got to let these things go Kyle," he says, laughing more than I've seen him laugh in a while, "Plus you got to admit, it was pretty funny.”

"Yeah, I guess it was pretty funny," I only say because it's the response he wants.

"Ky?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you mean all that stuff you said about me being a good boyfriend?" He asks skeptically.

I chuckle, "Of course I did. Stan you don't realize how great you are and it can be so frustrating".

"Me?! How about you? You always close yourself off to other people in fear that they won't like you. Well guess what Kyle, you're a very likeable guy," I begin to blush at his words, "sometimes I just wish people could get to know the Kyle Broflovski I know and love so much. Like for example, all those qualities you described me as, you have those qualities x100, but for some reason you don't let yourself see how truly amazing you are.  Now that's what I call frustrating".

I don't even know what to respond. It doesn't seem like he just pulled those words out of his ass. They sounded so genuine, as if he has thought about this topic quite often before. Just knowing that he thinks about me in a way outside of Guitar Hero and school makes me smile uncontrollably. Every word that he speaks hits me like a dose of LSD, and I never want my high to end. I just stare at him, deep into his eyes, not sure if I want to laugh or cry.

He begins to speak, not breaking eye contact. "Kyle, I think we should probably get out of-"

 I have no idea what the hell comes over me, but all of a sudden I move in and plant my lips on his. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, but for some reason I don't care. I don't care that he is still technically in a relationship. I don't care that I know he isn't gay. I don't care that I know he can never love me the way that I love him, because right now, even if just for a moment, I can pretend that he does.

Surprisingly, he isn’t resisting the kiss, and it almost seems that he is actually embracing it. However, I know my mind must be playing some sort of trick on me. After a short struggle for dominance, with Stan as the victor, he puts one hand on my shoulder and the other behind my neck. I feel his tongue enter my mouth, greeting mine with a touch that lets me know that right now, I am his to control. I begin to not be able to tell our breaths apart, both sounding animalistic and loaded with lust. Then I feel his tongue leave my mouth, and he pulls away from our embrace. I begin to realize what I have just done, and I start to panic.

"I'm so sorry, I-" Out of nowhere, rain begins pouring out of the sky. A mix began the pouring rain and near freezing temperature force me and Stan to begin sprinting towards the parking lot of the school. We quickly find Stan's truck and rush inside. After we have a moment to catch our breath, the events that have just taken place began to reenter my mind. Fuck.

Luckily Stan starts the truck, and begins driving, to my house I assume. The drive is completely silent apart from the rain hitting the truck. Eventually, he pulls into my driveway. I'm unable to bring myself to look at him. "Goodnight Stan".

"Goodnight Kyle."

I step out of the truck and quickly make my way to my front door. The house is silent when I enter. Luckily, everyone is asleep. I try to act calm on the outside, but I am falling apart. I just potentially ruined my friendship with Stan all because of my selfish feelings for him. He never asked for me to fall in love with him. He never asked me to kiss him. Why should he have to suffer because of me? He just wants me to go over to his house and play video games and just joke around with each other like a normal friendship. But I couldn't just be content with that. I had to want more. I'm not content just being Stan's friend. I don't think I ever have been. I know I never will be.


	4. I Almost Expect Him To Be Beside Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is some gay sex in this chapter, so if that's not your thing don't read this. Enjoy!

_I stare up at him, desperate to take in every detail of his body. His skin is glistening with sweat, his arms are gripping onto my waist, his eyes filled with lust. I can feel him beginning to enter me, mesmerized by the feel of his skin on mine. Then I see his mouth moving. He is trying to tell me something but I can’t hear him. It begins to grow louder and louder until-_

“KYLE!” I shoot out of unconsciousness to find Kenny at my window. I internally groan at the realization that I just had another sex dream about Stan. Ever since the kiss last week they have been getting more and more persistent, and more and more realistic. I pick myself up out of my bed and make my way to the window. I’m only in a T-shirt and boxers, but I’m close enough to Kenny that I don’t really mind him seeing me like this. I open the window and give him my signature death stare.

“What do you want asshole?” I know that I’m being a little bitchier than I should be, but Kenny should know I am not a morning person at all.

“Do you not know what day it is, _asshole_?” He puts emphasis on the last word to let me know he’s mocking my current attitude.

“Saturday?” I reply, wondering why it matters what day today is. He puts his hand on his face to show he is extremely annoyed by my response.

“Yeah smartass, it’s Saturday. October 18th,” Did he just say the 18th? A look of terror engulfs my face.

“STAN’S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW? ALREADY??” I say with obvious panic in my voice.

“Mhmm,” he replies casually as I begin to pace across my floor. How could I forget my own best friend’s birthday? I guess I have just been so caught up with the kiss and with trying to casually avoid him that it completely slipped my mind.

“I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN HIM A GIFT KENNY! I HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY BEST FRIEND A BIRTHDAY GIFT AND HIS BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW AND HE IS GOING TO HATE ME-“

“Jesus Kyle, calm the hell down,” he begins to laugh at my mini panic attack, and has to hold onto my windowsill to keep himself from falling off of my roof, “Why do you think I’m here? I haven’t gotten him anything either and I need you to help me pick something out. That alright with you?” I envy how calm Kenny can stay when I still am pacing across my room.

“Yeah, let me just throw something on. I’ll meet you downstairs,” he doesn’t respond but he begins climbing down my roof so I assume he heard me. I never would have thought that _Kenny_ would have had to remind me of my own best friend’s, no wait, _Super_ best friend’s birthday. This is so out of character for me, but I don’t blame myself _too_ much because the past week has been kind of weird with Stan. The weekend after Homecoming, Stan and I didn’t talk at all. I just stayed home and sulked, and I’m sure Stan just reevaluated his friendship with me. However, on Monday at school, things were surprisingly not too awkward, but that’s probably just because I kind of just kept my distance from him unless it was vital to whatever we were doing in class. We didn’t sit together during lunch, and neither of us have texted each other since the night of Homecoming, which isn’t too surprising to me. This is not something that he is going to forget easily, and I don’t blame him.

I decide to keep on the plain orange t-shirt I am currently wearing and put on some jeans, throw on my shoes, and slip into the green wool jacket Stan got me for my last birthday. It fits me perfectly.

 I make my way downstairs to find my mother making breakfast and my dad reading a newspaper. I wonder if I should tell them where I’m going, but I’d rather not have to be bombarded with a thousand questions from my mother, so I decide against it. I quietly make my way to the front door and reach out for the knob when I hear my mother’s voice.

“Where are you going, Kyle?” She asks as if she is generally interested in where I go, when in reality she is just interested in the fact that I want to leave at all. She acts as if me wanting to go anywhere is basically me saying I don’t want to spend time with her, which in a sense is actually true.

“I’m going out birthday shopping for Stan with Kenny. We’ll only be a couple of hours.” I say the last sentence because I know it is going to be her next question.

“And you were just going to leave without telling me?” She gives me a deep glare that makes my skin crawl.

“I just didn’t want to bother you guys with something that isn’t really a big deal,” I sigh, frustrated that if I would have went straight for the door, I wouldn’t have to be having this conversation, “Kenny is waiting for me outside so I really have to go,” I turn around without waiting for her response, and walk out the front door to find Kenny was listening in on that entire conversation.

“Dude, your mom can be so intense,” he laughs at my misfortune. I sarcastically laugh back at him, not in the mood to deal with him since it’s about 30 degrees Fahrenheit outside and we have to walk all the way to the mall. Stan is the only one who can drive in our group, even though he really shouldn’t since he’s only 15 and doesn’t have a license yet. But Stan does what Stan wants.

After what seems like months, we make it to the South Park Mall. We rush in and begin trying to warm our bodies up. “So Kyle, do you have any idea what you want to get your boyfriend?”

“No, honestly I haven’t given it much thought.” I ignore him calling Stan my boyfriend since he has done it for years, but I still can’t help but blush a little.

“Yeah, neither have I,” he begins to look at the surrounding stores, deep in thought, “I guess we can just roam around until we see something we think he’ll like.”

“Wow, did you really come up with that plan on your own?” I am feeling extra sarcastic today, much to Kenny’s annoyance.

“Do you have a better idea?” He actually has a point, so I just begin to follow him. He enters a comic book type store and immediately starts looking around. This is actually a perfect place to start. I may be a huge math loving nerd, but Stan is a comic book, superhero loving geek. He lives for this stuff. Kenny goes towards the back of the store while I stay and browse in the front. My eyes are drawn to a Captain America: Civil War Blu-ray, which I saw with Stan at the theatre it’s opening day. I remember how excited he was to see it, unable to stop talking about what he thought was going to happen in the movie, most of which he was right about. The entire movie I couldn’t keep myself from watching his face, gleaming with excitement every time one of his favorite characters came on screen.

Smiling to myself, I begin to walk over to the counter, content with this as my gift to him. It may not scream “I am desperately in love with you”, but it reminds me of one of my favorite moments I have ever spent with him, and I think he’ll at least recognize that as me loving him as a friend. Kenny walks over to me, with a comic book in his hand.

“What is that?”

“It’s some rare Avenger’s comic. You think he’ll like it?” he asks, holding it up to his face.

“Yeah I’m sure he’ll love it,” I give his shoulder an awkward pat to let him know my response is genuine, “But how much does that cost Kenny? Comics that old don’t usually sell for cheap.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m getting it.” I decide to not pry anymore because I can tell he’s made up his mind. Kenny isn’t exactly known for being generous, but I guess ever since Stan let Kenny and Karen stay with him, Kenny feels like he owes him. It’s actually really sweet to see Kenny care about something this much. Also, Kenny’s family may be poor, but Kenny works two jobs to make sure he has enough money for situations like this.

We pay for the gifts and head out of the store. “Hey Kenny do you mind coming with me to look around a little more? Stan usually gets me at least two gifts and I don’t want to show up with just one.” I know that Stan will love the movie, but I was really hoping to get him something with a little more sentiment.

“Ugh, you guys are so gay for each other,” he pretends to be grossed out, “Yeah, that’s fine with me, but Butters is gonna join us. His parents are being even bigger assholes than usual and hanging with us would take his mind off of it.” Butters and Kenny have been dating for a few weeks now, and they are honestly a really cute couple. Kenny doesn’t really care if other people see them together, but Butters seems less willing to be public about it due to his shy nature.

“Aww, look at you being all protective,” I say in a mocking voice, “How are things with you two by the way?” He looks down and smiles to himself, as if he is reliving an old memory in his head.

“They’re pretty good. Butters annoyingly wants to take things slow, but it’s not like I expected anything else when I started dating him.” It makes me happy that at least someone in our group’s romantic life is going well.

“I’m really happy for you Kenny.” After all the shit Kenny has went through during his life, he really deserves this. Kenny just looks at me, smiling, and his eyes glossy.

“Thank you Kyle.” I have never seen Kenny with such emotion on his face before. Our relationship usually just consists of being assholes to each other. Before I can respond, Kenny’s phone starts ringing. He pulls it out and answers it.

“Hello?” he pauses, “Oh alright, I see you.” I look to where Kenny’s eyes are staring and see Butters approaching us. His hair looks groomed perfectly and he is wearing a dark blue Parka. Kenny rushes towards him and embraces him. He tries to kiss him but Butters turns his head so Kenny’s lips land on his cheek. Butters is visibly blushing. I slowly make my way towards them, not wanting to interrupt their “moment”, but also not wanting to seem rude.

“Hey Butters,” he seems to just have noticed I am here.

“Oh, h-hey Kyle. How’s the um, the gift shopping going?”

“It’s going good so far, I got him one of his favorite movies,” I hold up the bag, “but we’re going to still look around a little more.”

“Oh alright, w-well um do you mind me coming along?” I swear this kid is so polite, I have no idea how he got stuck with someone as vulgar as Kenny.

“No, not at all,” I smile to reassure him he’s welcome to come along.

I begin to walk around, scanning each store to make sure it doesn’t have something Stan would like. Kenny and Butters are following close behind me, holding hands and Kenny whispering God knows what into Butters’ ear. I know that whatever I get Stan has to mean something to him. It has to mean something to _us._ But I don’t really know what could fit that criteria that is sold at a mall.

Just as I start to lose hope, a _Winter Sale_ sign in front of a clothing store catches my attention. I make my way towards the display window, and when I get there I see a blue hat with a red puffball on it. It’s Stan’s exact hat from all those years ago. He lost it in fifth grade when his grandpa sold it for gambling money. I remember how disappointed he was, and how we searched everywhere for a replacement, but we could never find a hat that looked exactly the same. It’s perfect.

I run into the store with a smile on my face. I grab one of the hats off of the shelf and immediately proceed to purchase it. I look around and see Kenny and Butters are standing at the entrance of the store, just staring into each other’s eyes as if nothing around them matters. I would be disgusted if I wasn’t so happy that I found this hat. I approach them, and they don’t notice I’m there until I’m only a couple of feet away from them.

“What’d you find?” Kenny asks, staring intensely at the bag. I don’t answer and just instead pull the hat out of the bag.  He looks up at me as if I just told him I found the cure for cancer, “You found Stan’s hat? Dude that is way better than the gift I got him,” he rubs the back of his neck with embarrassment, and I can’t help but triumphantly grin, “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when you give it to him, he’ll love it for sure.” My grin quickly transforms into a look of shame.

“Actually,” I take a pause, not sure how to word this next part of my sentence, “I don’t think I’m going to go to Stan’s party tomorrow. Do you think you can just get my gifts to him and let him know they’re from me?”

“Well gee Kyle, why aren’t you g-going to Stan’s party? Aren’t you his best friend?” Butter chimes in. He has a point. They both stare intensely at me, waiting for my response.

“Guys, it’s complicated,” I exhale overdramatically,  “He’s my best friend so of course I want to get him a gift, but things with us are currently really weird, and I just don’t think he wants me at his party tomorrow.” I hope they don’t ask me for specifics, because no one knows about the kiss yet and I really want it to stay that way.

“What the hell is going on with you two?” Kenny asks. Fuck, now I owe him an explanation. Should I lie? I try my hardest to come up with a plausible explanation, but their fierce eye contact is making it difficult.

“I kissed him,” well, there goes _that_ secret, “Last Friday at Homecoming after Wendy cheated on him. We were talking and I just leaned in and kissed him and IRegretItAndNowIThinkHeHatesMe.” My words become jumbled together as I feel the weight of this secret dissipate from my shoulders. As expected, they both just stare at me, dumbfounded and their eyes nearly bulging out. Kenny always jokes about me and Stan having a homosexual aspect in our relationship, but I don’t think he ever expected it to become a reality, well at least on my end. Stan is still as straight as an arrow. Thanks brain for reminding me of that.

“He doesn’t hate you Kyle,” Kenny is able to compose himself, “But you two need to talk it out or else this tension is just going to continue to exist between you guys.” Why does Kenny always have to be so reasonable and logical? It’s infuriating. I was hoping to just avoid this problem for as long as possible.

“I know. You’re probably right,” Kenny may not be book smart, but when it comes to shit like this, Kenny always comes through, “But still, I really don’t think me going to the party would be a good idea, for Stan’s sake.”

“Well, just think it over tonight and if in the morning you feel the same way, I’ll deliver your gift to Stan for you.” I know that I won’t change my mind, but I accept his proposal anyways. We all head over to the food court and get burgers for lunch. Kenny and Butters share a basket of fries which I find really cute, but I’d never admit that to them. I have to keep up my image of sarcasm and cynicism.

After lunch, I decide to head back to my house while Kenny and Butters decide to look around some more, but I’m sure that just means they’re going to make out behind the mall fountain. I’m quickly reminded that I live in Colorado when I exit the mall doors to find my face attacked by the piercing cold wind of October. I basically sprint home, not wanting to spend any more time in that weather than I have to.

Luckily when I get back home, I remember that my parents went out with Ike to buy him a Halloween costume. Pleased that I have the house to myself for the next few hours, I decide to play Guitar Hero in the living room, which my parents never let me do. I decide to play the game on Easy, since I am nowhere as good at this game as Stan is. He could play it on Expert no problem, but whenever I play it with him he always has to play it on Medium just so that I can keep up, and even then I suck pretty badly. I hold him back. Without even realizing it, I get a 100 note streak, and I look to my side, almost expecting Stan to be sitting beside me congratulating me on my accomplishment. But he isn’t.

A couple of hours pass before I hear my phone go off. I ignore it since I’m in the middle of a song and I don’t really feel like pausing it, plus I can’t really think of anyone I know who would text me right now (Wow, that makes me sound pathetic). It’s probably just Kenny trying to convince me to go to Stan’s party. I wish he understood that I wanted nothing more than to go to Stan’s party and to just pretend that nothing happened. But something did happen. I kissed him. Stan is just too nice to say that he doesn’t want me at his party, but I know that he doesn’t. Why would he. However, eventually my curiosity gets the best of me, and I look down and open my text messages.

_1 new message from Stan._

Shit, Stan? Why would he text me? Maybe this is the text that he formally ends our friendship with. I’ve been waiting for this. I reluctantly open the text. _Stan- Hey Ky, cant wait to see u at my party tomorrow (:_  
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I awake the next morning at almost 3 in the afternoon. I stayed up all night wondering why Stan would ever want me at his party, but I eventually decided to just ignore my racing thoughts and just go with it. If Stan says he wants me at his party, then I’ll be at his party. It doesn’t start until around 6, so I have plenty of time to shower, wrap up his gifts, and get dressed. Despite everything that has happened over the past week, I’m really excited to go tonight. I want to be with him, and not because I have to be, but because he wants me to be.

Luckily, my hair is manageable today, but I decide to wear my green ushanka anyways so that when I give Stan his gifts, we can both wear our old hats together, and hopefully it will make things feel simple and pure, like the old days.

I decide to wrap both of the gifts I got for Stan in the same box since I don’t have much wrapping paper left. I’m using the same plain red wrapping paper I used last Christmas (I’m cheap, I know). Being the perfectionist that I am, it takes me about 20 minutes to wrap his gifts. I make each fold with great precaution, terrified of making a mistake.

Once I’m done wrapping, I begin getting dressed. Since I decided to go last minute, I haven’t really picked out what to wear. I start browsing through my closet, and find an old white basketball jersey from middle school. I had almost forgotten that I used to play, but that’s probably because most of the reason I played was to impress Stan and make him think I was as athletic as he was. I put the jersey on and throw on an orange hoodie over it. I would put on more layers, but Stan’s house is right next door, and I’m planning on being indoors the entire time.

I look at the clock and see that it’s 5:48, so I decide it’s probably a good time to head to Stan’s house. The entire walk over there, I can feel my heart vibrating throughout my body. I have no idea how the next few hours are going to go, but I hope more than anything that everything is just normal. I know that things are going to be different, and Stan is not going to treat me the same, but even just him wanting me at the party at all is good enough for me. I walk up to his front porch and ring the doorbell, and hear footsteps approaching the door. The door opens to reveal the head covered in messy black hair that I have grown to love so much.

“Kyle,” he says, before reaching his arms out and pulling me into an embrace, much to my surprise. Eventually, I let myself fall into his arms completely.

“Hi Stan, Happy Birthday,” I hear him laugh, still holding me.

“Thanks, come on in dude, it’s freezing out here,” to my dissatisfaction, he lets me go. I follow him through his doorway and start scanning his living room. So far only about 10 people are here, but I know that within the hour that number will quadruple. Stan invites essentially our entire grade level to his parties, and nearly no one misses out on them.

I find a seat on Stan’s couch, and he soon follows and secures a spot next to me, “I’m really glad you made it Ky. I was getting the vibe that you were mad at me or something,” Me? Mad at him? Does he not remember me kissing him? Why would _I_ be the one upset with _him_?

“Stan, I wouldn’t miss your birthday party for the world,” I smile at him, hoping that it’s enough to convey to him that I’m not mad.

“I know you wouldn’t,” he returns my smile, “so what have you been up to?” Besides agonizing over my deep unrequited love for you?

“Well yesterday I got a 100 note streak on Guitar Hero, so you better watch out Marsh, because I’m coming for your high score,” I laugh, knowing that getting a 100 note streak on Easy mode is nowhere near “coming” for his high score.

“I’m trembling in my boots,” he says in a sarcastic tone that reminds me of something that I would say.

“How about you?” I actually have no idea what is going on in Stan’s life currently.

“Well a few days ago I had a talk with Wendy,” Oh. Her.

“What did she say?” I tried to hide the antipathy in my voice.

“She tried to justify what she did by saying that she was planning on breaking up with me the next day,” he scoffed, “and that the only reason that she didn’t want to break up that night was that she didn’t want to ruin my Homecoming dance.” Well that plan went right out of the window when Stan caught her being fucked by one of his closest friends.

“And she couldn’t have waited to fuck Token until _after_ you guys had broken up?”

“All she said was that she thought I’d be too busy hanging with you to notice she was even gone,” Wendy always seemed so put together. This just doesn’t seem like her.

“Stan, I’m so sorr-“

“It’s fine Kyle. It’s not like it’s your fault my girlfriend was a lying and cheating whore,” he laughs, trying to pass it off as a joke. I can tell that he doesn’t want to stay on this subject any longer, so I stay quiet. We both sit in silence that is drowned out by the conversations and music surrounding us. Quickly yet subtly, the room begins to fill up, just like I knew it would.

“I’m going to get a drink, do you want anything?” I nearly have to yell at Stan due to the overwhelming noise from his music system.

“No thanks, I’m fine,” he responds. Stan usually drinks A LOT, so him not wanting a drink is a little concerning to me, but I decide to just ignore it and make my way to the kitchen. I grab a beer from his cooler, and look up to find Kenny’s eyes meeting mine.

“KYLE!! You made it!!” Oh god he’s drunk.

“Yeah, Stan texted me that he wanted me here so I decided to just come over and stop overthinking shit.”

“That’s great Kyle! Speaking of your boyfriend, where is he?”

“Oh he’s,” I look to the couch to find Stan’s seat empty, “around. Did you need something from him?” He holds out a clumsily wrapped gift.

“Do you mind giving this to Stan? I’m going to head out already. I promised Butters I’d go over to his house and keep him company since he’s grounded,” I grab the gift.

“Yeah sure, no problem, see you tomorrow man.”

“Thanks, also wish him a Happy Birthday for me,” he ends our conversation by heading towards the front door. I make my way back to the couch and grab my gift since I forgot to hand it to Stan when I first walked in, and I begin to make my way upstairs to try and find him. I open the door to his room to find him sitting on his bed.

“Hey Stan,” he looks up from the floor, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah sorry, I just needed to get away from the noise for a while,” I know what he means. All that loud music and being surrounded by so many people is mentally exhausting, “Are those for me?” he motions to the gifts in my hands with a smile on his face.

“Yeah, the one that is wrapped really shitty is from Kenny,” we both let out a laugh, “And this beautiful, perfect, amazingly wrapped one is from me of course.” I hand them both to Stan and take a seat next to him. He starts unwrapping Kenny’s first. He pulls it out and gasps.

“Dude, this comic is so rare and so expensive, how did Kenny get this??”

“He found it at that comic book store at the mall. I asked him how much it was but he wouldn’t answer. You know how stubborn Kenny can be.”

“Yeah, he really can,” he quickly moves on to unwrapping my gift. He does it very carefully because he knows how long I take to wrap things, which I find really sweet. Once he unwraps it completely, he opens the box and pulls the Captain America Blu-ray out, and I can see his face light up immediately, “I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS OUT ON BLU-RAY YET! Thanks so much Kyle, I love it!”

“There’s another gift in there,” I laugh at his reaction to such a simple gift, “Do you really think I’d only get my Super Best Friend one Birthday present?” He looks back into the box and moves the tissue paper out of the way, and his face quickly turns expressionless. He pulls the hat out of the box, and looks at me.

“You,” he looks back at the hat as if he has to make sure it’s really there, “you found my hat,” I awkwardly nod my head, “Kyle, it’s amazing. _You’re_ amazing,” I immediately blush at his words.

“I just saw it and it looked identical to the one you used to have and I know how devastated you were when you lost it,” he pulls me into another hug, this one tighter than the one before. Unlike before, I immediately let myself melt into his grasp. I rest my head in the crevasse between his neck and his shoulder, and allow myself to feel comfortable in it.

“Thank you, I love it.”

“It’s really nothing, I just got lucky I happened to see it in a display window,” I try to be modest, despite me being really proud that my gift is able to make him so happy.

“Still Ky, it’s perfect,” he lets me go and puts the hat on, “This feels just like old times.” I smile. This is all playing out how I wanted it to, yet, I am still underwhelmed. I guess I thought that giving him these gifts would erase last week’s events, but I still feel them hovering over us, relentless and repetitive, that moment playing over and over again in my head. It won’t stop. This is the penalty for my actions. This is the price I have to pay.

“No Stan, it doesn’t,” I surprise both him and myself with my sentence.

“Huh? What do you mean?” he asks, acting completely oblivious.

“THE KISS STAN!” I say a little louder than I intend to, “I kissed you last week and all night you’ve been acting like nothing happened! It’s like you don’t even remember it!” I don’t know why I’m yelling at him, but it just feels like the right thing to do.

“Of course I remember the kiss Kyle! I can’t get it out of my head!” he gets up from the bed and begins to pace around, “You just kiss me and then ignore me for a week! I had no idea what to do! When you showed up tonight I just thought the best thing to do was avoid talking about it! YOU KNOW HOW BAD AT CONFRONTATION I AM!” He has a point there, he is REALLY bad at confrontation. Not that I’m any better at it.

“I’m so sorry Stan. I knew you were in a vulnerable place and I was selfish and took advantage of that. I feel so terrible about it and if I could take it back I swear I would.” He looks at me.

“No Kyle, I…” He doesn’t finish his thought and begins walking towards me and harshly pushes his lips onto mine. My body is forced down onto the bed as Stan continues his assault on my mouth. Why the hell is Stan kissing me?? I decide to not think about it and just let it happen. I let my hands run up his neck until my hands are gripping onto the back of his head. I quickly throw his hat off and grip on to his hair. I don’t want this kiss to ever end.

I can feel him trying to unzip his jacket. I let go of his hair and he pulls away from my lips so that he can unzip his jacket with more ease. Once he slips out of his sweater, he leans down and gives me another brief kiss, teasing me with his lips. I help him pull his shirt off, and I take in the sight of his toned torso. I lean in and kiss his abdomen, which he responds to by leaning down and kissing me. I feel his tongue enter my mouth and I savor every second of it. I begin to unzip my sweater, maneuvering my body out of it. He looks down and laughs, breaking our kiss, “Nice shirt Ky.”

I laugh, still breathing heavily, “Thanks, now take it off,” I say with more power in my voice than I thought I had. He responds by pulling my shirt over my arms, and immediately gives my torso a barrage of kisses. This is the first time he has seen me shirtless in a while, but I’m surprisingly not as self-conscious as I thought it would be, but then again that’s probably because I’m still in denial that this is actually happening.

After he’s done kissing my body he brings his mouth close my mine, leaving half an inch of space between them and whispers, “I want to fuck you,” My body shivers with anticipation.

“Do it then,” I give him a brief kiss, “Fuck me Stan,” he picks himself up and begins to unzip his pants, dropping them to his ankles, and then kicking out of them. There is a prominent bulge in his briefs that lets me know he wants this just as much as I do, making me harder than I have ever been before. Unable to fight the urge, I reach forward and give his bulge a squeeze with my palm, which he responds to by exhaling sharply.

He reaches forward and quickly pulls my jeans off of me, followed by my boxers. He walks over to his dresser and pulls out a bottle of lube, and squirts some onto his fingers. He places his index and middle finger inside of me, giving me a sensation I have never experienced before. Soon, he adds a third finger, and I know that I’m ready for his dick, “Hurry up and fuck me Stan, please, I need your dick.”

 He pulls his briefs down, exposing his hard cock. I take in his bare body for a few moments as he rubs lube onto his dick. He places the head at my entrance, and slowly begins to push it in. I feel more and more full with each inch that enters me. It hurts, but not as much as it would have if he wouldn’t have prepared me first. Plus, for as long as I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen, I can take a little pain.

Once he’s all the way inside of me, he pulls my head up towards him and gives me a quick, sloppy kiss. He begins to move in and out of me, slowly increasing his speed. The pain is soon replaced by intense pleasure as I feel Stan’s dick ramming into me. We both begin to make noises I never thought we were capable of making. The only other noise in the room is the sound of his balls slapping against my skin. He soon finds my prostrate, which results in me screaming in ecstasy. He begins to hit that spot over and over again, each time making my vision more and more blurry.

“Kyle, I’m cumming!” he gives me little warning before I feel myself being filled with his warm seed. This is the last straw that forces cum to shoot out of my dick and onto my torso. My orgasm is intense and long-lasting.

The only noise in the room is our heavy breathing, “Kyle,” he has to take multiple breaths in between words, “That felt amazing.” That was the understatement of the year. It felt perfect. It was sloppy and messy, but that is basically the physical representation of me and Stan’s relationship. He pulls out of me and climbs into his bed underneath the covers. I soon follow him after taking another few moments to catch my breath.

I am in disbelief that any of that actually just happened. Maybe this was just another one of my sex dreams. I shut my eyes and open them again, hoping that when I look to my side, Stan will be there right beside me. I turn my head, and a smile appears on my face. He is. He always is.

 


	5. Every Word Lingers On Me

 

I watch his bare chest repetitively move up and down. It’s in perfect sync with the sound of his clock ticking. I’ve lost track of time. How long has it been? 30 minutes? 2 hours? I’m too busy enjoying watching Stan sleep to really care. I reflect on the events of tonight with both elation and concern.

I finally got what I wanted, or at least a part of it. I had sex with Stan, something I have fantasized about for years. But I have no idea what this means. Does he love me? Or at the very least have feelings for me? Or was this _just_ sex to him? My mind can’t even focus on one question before another 10 present themselves. I sit up and pull out my phone. _5 missed calls from Mom._ I look at the time. _11:16 P.M._ Fuck, I was supposed to be home an hour ago.

I climb out of bed and begin searching for my clothes, using my phone as a flashlight. I’m sore from the “incident” that took place a couple of hours ago, but I ignore the pain and eventually spot my clothes sitting at the foot of Stan’s bed. After getting dressed, I make my way to Stan’s restroom. Immediately after walking in, I see that I look like absolute shit. My hair is a mess, my skin is sticky from sweat, and I look exhausted. I quickly search for some body spray to cover the smell of sex radiating from my body. I find some Old Spice “Swagger Scented” (Stan is such a dork) Body Spray, and unmethodically spray it over my body, hoping that it’s enough to do the trick.

I essentially tip-toe out of Stan’s room, not wanting to wake him. The second that I leave his room I hear music still being played downstairs, but the sound of conversation is not as prevalent as it was earlier. When I make it to the bottom of the stairs, I find a sight I was not expecting. Half of the party goers are passed out on the living room floor and on the couch, while the other half are either drunkenly dancing or making out in the kitchen. I could never understand how people are able to keep partying like that when the host of the party has been missing for hours, but to each their own. No one notices me, so I quietly make my way out of the front door.

The cold breeze is as violent as ever, but it does feel nice to breathe in fresh air again. I quickly sprint to my front porch, take out my key, and push the door open, quietly closing it behind me.

“Why haven’t you been answering your phone Kyle?” I turn to find my mother sitting on the couch, appearing to have been waiting for me. This should be fun.

“I guess I couldn’t hear it over the sound of the music,” Or the sound of my best friend fucking me.

“Well you know you should have been home at 10:00 Bubbie,” I hate when she calls me that. It’s always an indication of her being passive aggressive.

“I’m sorry, I guess I just lost track of the time,” I’m too tired to come up with a fake excuse, so I hope that this is enough to satisfy her. She just looks at me, her expression never changing.

“Go to bed,” she picks herself up from the couch, “we’ll talk about this more tomorrow,” she makes her way upstairs, to her room I assume. I listen to her orders and go to my room and plummet onto my bed. I’m too exhausted to even pull the blankets over myself. As unconsciousness begins to finalize its grip on me, I have one fleeting thought cross my mind. It’s actually less of a thought and more of a series of images. I’m sitting on the floor at the foot of Stan’s bed, with Stan sitting beside me. We are watching the Captain America Blu-ray I gave to him. He leans over and kisses me, and not like the deep, passionate kisses we have had before that were only filled with empty lust, but a kiss that embodies all of the same feelings I have hidden from him for all this time. I feel a smile spread across my face as everything goes dark.

()

My alarm wakes me up at 6 the next morning. I quickly shower, get dressed, and eat breakfast, determined to get out of the house before my parents wake up and have a talk with me about my “irresponsible behavior”. Luckily, I make it out of the house undetected, and begin walking towards the bus stop. I spot Kenny already standing there, staring off into space as if he can’t feel the icy winds of our wonderful state of Colorado.

“Hey Kenny,” He turns to face me, causing what appears to be a hickey on his neck to become visible to me, “I see things went well at Butters’ house last night,” I motion to the hickey, unable to hold in a giggle. He puts his hand against his neck, seeming to have just remembered that he has a huge purple hickey there.

“Oh yeah, I was able to convince Butters to give me one,” he laughs, “he was afraid he was gonna hurt me or something. I told him that maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing,” he says the last part with a wink. Jesus, for a second I almost forgot how much of a dirty, kinky masochist Kenny was.

“Ew,” I decide that talking about what Kenny and Butters do behind closed doors isn’t exactly how I want to start my day, so I check my phone, hoping that I have a text from Stan. Speaking of Stan, where the hell is he? He is always at the bus stop before me. I open my messages. _No new messages._ I decide to text him.

_Me- Hey Stan, are you coming to school today?_

I wait about 30 seconds before I hear my phone vibrate.

_Stan- no_

His short response immediately sets off an alarm in my head. It might be my brain just overanalyzing things, but Stan would never just answer with a simple “no”.

_Me- Are you feeling okay?_

He didn’t drink at all last night, so he doesn’t have a hangover, and it’s not like _he’s_ the one who had a dick up his ass 9 hours ago, so maybe he got a cold or something during the middle of the night? I hear my phone vibrate.

_Stan- I feel fine. Don’t worry about it_

I can tell when Stan isn’t in the mood to talk, so I decide to leave him alone for now, but I can’t help but wonder if his withholding attitude is due to what happened last night. The bus pulls up to the stop. Kenny immediately finds a seat next to Butters, and I sit at me and Stan’s usual spot. I try to not think too deeply about what happened last night and what it means for me and Stan’s relationship. Is he mad? I can’t think of why he would be, but that’s definitely the vibe he put off in his texts.

Against my will, these are the thoughts that consume me for the rest of the day. Every time I remember how great his skin felt against mine, I think about his texts. Every time I am reminded of his yearning lips, I think about all the possibilities of how our next conversation will go.  Stan Marsh is going to drive me insane

The final bell rings, and I rush out of my geometry class. I want to go home, sleep, and try to forget about life’s overwhelming struggles. As I approach the front door of the school, I feel a firm hand grasp my shoulder. I turn around to find a surprising face. Wendy.

“What the hell do you want?” I ask coldly. I wouldn’t consider myself a rude person, but when that person broke my best friend’s heart, I’m not going to have the most patient attitude.

“Can we talk?” She motions to an empty classroom. Under normal circumstances, I would immediately say no. However, something about the expression on her face is telling me I need to hear what she has to say.

“Fine, you have five minutes,” she turns and makes her way into the classroom, with me following close behind her. She props herself onto one of the desks. She stares at me a few moments.

“What’s going on with you on Stan?” She blurts out. I freeze immediately, completely unprepared for her to ask me _that._

“Why the hell do you care? You stopped deserving to know anything about Stan’s life when you fucked one of his best friends,” She rolls her eyes.

“Kyle, please just answer the question.” Even though it’s not any of her business, I decide to just answer her so that this conversation will be over quicker.

“I’m honestly not sure what’s going on with us. Last night we...” I look up at her to make sure I can see her reaction, “…had sex.” Surprisingly, her expression doesn’t change.

“And? Go on Kyle,” What the hell? Is that all she has to say?

“I think he’s pissed or something. He probably woke up this morning and regrets last night and blames me for taking advantage of him.” I stare at the floor, afraid to look and her in the eyes.

“Was he drunk?” She asks calmly.

“No…”

“Was he unconscious?”

“OF COURSE NOT!”

“Did he say he wanted to fuck you?” I recall last night’s events, particularly Stan muttering the phrase “ _I want to fuck you Kyle”._

 _“_ Well, yeah but…”

“Then you didn’t take advantage of him Kyle. Stan wanted it to happen just as much as you did,” She smiles warmly, a look one usually wouldn’t get from Wendy Testaburger. However, I ignore her attempt at compassion and can feel the anger ready to overflow out of me.

“How the hell would you know that? You never even tried to know Stan, you wouldn’t know what he wants. Did you pull me in here to try and prove that you have some deep understanding of Stan? Because we both know that’s bullshit Wendy. It has been a while since I’ve last seen you care for him in any way,” I have so much more on my mind, but I stop speaking. I believe every word that came out of my mouth, but I may have been a little too harsh. I look up at her to examine her face. She looks as if she’s deep in thought, almost unaware that she’s still in a conversation with me. After a few more seconds she looks up at me.

“You’ve changed a lot Kyle,” she says softly, “I don’t know, I just haven’t noticed how different you are from when we were little. It’s probably me being a shitty friend, if I even deserve to call myself your friend still,” she laughs, but I can sense a sadness behind it. I can sense a vulnerability in her I haven’t felt in a long time. “I don’t know if I ever told you Kyle, but you used to be one of the only people I could talk to. Bebe and I drifted apart in middle school and I couldn’t really get along with most of the other girls in my classes, but I could always talk to you Kyle. You were always so kind, and you always were so supportive of me and Stan’s relationship. Hell, we would have never even gotten together if it weren’t for you. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for that Kyle, for any of it,” I stand idle, completely unsure of what to say. I haven’t seen this side of Wendy in years, and I almost forgot how close we used to be. I can’t help but get a little teary eyed at how the years have changed things. I feel my demeanor completely shift. For some reason, all of the anger that is pent up within me suddenly dissipates. 

“Wendy, our friendship was just as special to me as it was to you, I mean growing up gay in South Park wasn’t easy, but you always made me feel like it was okay to be myself,” I finally return the smile she had given me a couple of minutes ago, “What the hell happened to us?”

“I became a jealous asshole,” she buries her face into her hands.

“What do you mean? Jealous of what?” She looks at me remorsefully.

“Kyle, I wanted to talk to you because I have to apologize to you,” she sighs deeply, “For the past year or so, I envied how much time Stan spent with you. Every morning when I knew you were sitting with him on the bus, every afternoon that he would walk you home, or every night that he was at your house instead of mine, I would go crazy. And I know that sounds insane and pathetic, but I only would go crazy because I knew,” tears begin flowing down her cheek, “I knew that he loved you in a way that he could never love me.” Did she just say what I think she just said?

“Wendy he doesn’t love-“

“He does Kyle,” I stand up and begin approaching her.

“Did he tell you this?”

“He didn’t have to, I could see it. I see it in the way he talks about you. I see it in the way he looks at you, the same way you look at him. He’s been in love with you for a while, maybe he always has been. And I took that out on you Kyle, which is such a shitty thing to do to a person,” she pulls me into an embrace, “I’m so sorry Kyle.” The hug lasts for almost a full minute until she lets go.

“Wendy, I forgive you, I don’t blame you, but I’m not the person you should be apologizing to,” she looks up at me. I can tell she knows what I’m talking about.

“I don’t even know what I should say to him. ‘I cheated on you because I was jealous about you and Kyle’s relationship and I wanted to get back at you’? There’s no way he’s going to forgive me, what I did was inexcusable.”

“You’re right, he probably won’t forgive you, but that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t deserve to know the truth. Hell, he still thinks you cheated on him just because you lost interest in him.” She gets out a tissue from her purse, and wipes away her already drying tears.

“Yeah, you’re right, I was just hoping maybe you weren’t,” she pulls her purse over her shoulder, “But first, I think you two should have a talk,” I nod at her, but I can feel my stomach drop just thinking about it. She walks towards the door before stopping and turning around, “Oh and Kyle,” she smiles, “Thank you.”

()

I’m standing on his top step, staring at his chestnut colored door. I can’t seem to bring myself to ring the doorbell, no matter how much I want to see him. No matter how much I want to tell him I love him, and no matter how much I want to hear him say it back, I can’t ring the goddamn doorbell, because I _don’t_ know what he’s going to say. Sure Wendy swears that he loves me, and deep down I want to trust her, but I don’t know if I want to risk my friendship with Stan based on his ex-girlfriend’s gut feeling. I begin to descend down his stairs and walk towards my house when I hear a door open behind me.

“Kyle?” It’s his voice. I turn around to see him in gray sweatpants and a plain blue shirt, his hair in disarray like always. Why is he so damn cute?

“Hey Stan,” his face tells me he wants to know why I was just standing in front of his house, “I just wanted to come and make sure you were alright, but I didn’t wanna bother you if you were sleeping or something,”

“No, no you aren’t bothering me,” he takes a peak into his house, “Do you wanna come in?”

“Uh, yeah sure,” I make my way into his house, terrified of the conversation that is soon to come. His house is still a disaster from the party last night, but I can tell he’s at least made some attempt to clean up. I step over a pile of beer cans and follow him up the stairs into his room. Seeing his bed makes last night’s events flood into my mind.

“How was school?” he takes a seat in front of his computer.

“It was fine, it kind of just flew by,” I begin feeling awkward standing while he’s sitting, so I take a seat on his computer desk, less than a foot away from him, “Why weren’t you at school today Stan?” He had to know this question was coming.

“Because of last night,” I knew it.

“What about it?” I ask, trying my best to not sound defensive.

“It confused the hell out of me Kyle! I have no idea what came over me!” He runs his hand through his hair, “I’m not even gay! It was like I didn’t have control of myself.”

“But Stan you-“

“But nothing! Listen random hookups with guys may be normal to you, but I’m STRAIGHT Kyle. Last night shouldn’t have happened, it was a mistake” I sit there staring down at him, trying my best to stop the tears that are forming. _Random hookup. Mistake._ Is that what he thinks last night was to me? I knew that Stan could be dense, but I thought that after last night, that after the kiss, he would have at least seen the way I felt about him.

“Fuck you Stan,” A look of confusion consumes his face. I hop off his desk and storm out of his room. As I run down the stairs I think I hear him calling me but I ignore it. I push the front door open and quickly make it to my house. Ike’s watching T.V, probably staring at me, but I refuse to look at him. I walk up my stairs and into my room. Then it all comes out. All of my tears. Not only the ones from today, but the ones from all I nights I stayed up imagining what a life with him would be like. The ones from the nights I spent with him knowing that I could never hold him while he slept. The ones from every day I talked to him knowing I would never be able to call him mine. I cried like I was 5 years old, not withholding any tear or noise that wanted to escape my body. I’m such an idiot for thinking that he would ever be able to comprehend how much I loved him, and an even bigger idiot for thinking that he could ever love me back.

I hear the door open, “Bubbie, what’s wrong?!?” It’s my mother.

“Mom I’m not in the mood to talk right now,” I turn my head away from her to try and hide my tears, but it’s still obvious that I’m crying.

“Kyle, I’m your mom you can talk to me about anything,” Her voice is soothing and calming. She makes her way to my bed and puts her hand on my shoulder, “Please Kyle, tell me what’s wrong I hate seeing you like this.” I turn towards her, my tears soaked eyes blurring her face.

“Mom, I’m gay,” Her face visibly relaxes, “I’m in love with someone and…” I can’t even finish my sentence before I begin sobbing uncontrollably again. I instinctually fall into her arms, my head upon her shoulder.

“I know Bubbie,” She says comfortingly, “Love is awful. It can break you down into a shell of the person you once were. But just remember, that it is also capable of building you back up, into a person more complete than you used to be,” she begins caressing my head, “Have you told this boy how you feel?”

“No, but I don’t see the point. I know he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“You don’t know that Kyle, sometimes people express their love in ways you might not even realize. And sometimes they might be too scared to admit to you, or even to themselves, that they have feelings stronger than they have ever felt before,” she grabs my head and kisses it, “All I’m saying Kyle is that if this boy has the ability to make you feel this sad, don’t give up on him, because that means he has the ability to make you just as happy,” she lets me go and begins walking towards the door. I can’t help but think about what an asshole I’ve been to my mom lately. All she ever tries to do is make sure I’m safe and I just treat her like shit. I want to tell her how much she means to me, and despite my attitude over the past few months, I really do appreciate her caring so much about me.

“I love you mom,” She turns around, a smile appearing on her face.

“I love you too Kyle.”

*

“YOU AND STAN HOOKED UP?!?!?” He seems to be handling this whole not overreacting thing really well.

“Kenny shut the hell up! Do you want the whole cafeteria to hear you?!” Maybe telling Kenny about everything that’s happened in the past 48 hours with me and Stan in a crowded school cafeteria wasn’t the best idea.

“I’m sorry dude, it’s just I never thought it would actually happen, I was usually just joking about you two!” He looks at Butters, who is quietly sitting next to him eating the school meatloaf, probably too polite to intrude on our conversation, “Babe?!? Don’t you have anything to say about this?” Butters looks up at Kenny innocently.

“Oh w-well… I think it’s nice that Kyle and Stan… well you know,” Is he really scared to say sex?

“It would have been nice if he didn’t say it was a huge mistake and then insinuate that I slept around with guys all the time,” I say begrudgingly.

“Yeah there’s that,” Kenny says while taking a bite out of Butters’ meatloaf, “Wow this tastes like shit,” He then looks up at me, realizing he’s still in a conversation with me, “I mean as if you could ever get another guy to sleep with you, much less on a regular basis.”

“Ken! That’s not a v-very nice thing to say to someone,” Butters says, visibly upset

 “No, actually he’s got a point. I’m not just some slut who moves from dick to dick every night. I have no idea why he would even imply that I am, does he know me? I mean-” Just then, I see Stan walk into the cafeteria. He’s walking in my direction, but luckily he doesn’t see me yet, and I want to keep it that way. Just as it looks like he’s going to look at me, I see Wendy approach him. Kenny turns around to see what I’m staring at.

“Why the hell are those two talking?” He turns back towards me.

“She must be apologizing to him. That’s what she said she was going to do yesterday.”

“W-well that’s awfully kind of her,” Butters says with naivety only he can possess.

“Well she wouldn’t have to apologize if she wouldn’t have fucked Token and broken Stan’s heart,” Kenny says coldly.

“Give her a break Kenny, it was a dumb and immature mistake, don’t act like you haven’t made hundreds of those,” I surprise myself with my words.

“Did I just hear Kyle Broflovski defend Wendy Testaburger, the girl he has complained about every day for the past year? The girl who ‘doesn’t deserve Stan’?” The ‘biggest bitch I’ve ever met’?”

“Things are different than I thought they were. She’s been suffering over Stan just as much as I have. I don’t blame her for doing something as crazy as she did, Stan has that effect on people,” Kenny shrugs, letting me know he is no longer interested in this conversation, “I’m gonna go guys, before Stan and Wendy end their conversation and he tries coming over to talk,” I pick my tray up and leave the cafeteria into the school’s main hallway, unsure where I’m headed.

I wonder if this is how things are going to be from now on. Am I going to have to avoid Stan for the rest of high school? I may be pissed at him, but I can’t imagine us not talking anymore. I wish he would just see what an ass he was being and we can put this behind us. Well _he_ can put this behind him. I will just continue to love him until high school is over and wait until my feelings for him shrivel up until there is just an empty void inside of me, the good old fashioned way of getting over someone.

“Kyle!” I hear, followed by the sound of the cafeteria doors closing. I turn around. _It’s Stan._ He is basically running towards me. After a couple of seconds he stops, only about a foot away from me.

“What is it Stan?” I say more coldly than I mean to. It doesn’t seem to faze him though, and he just stares at me, deep in thought.

“You love me,” I freeze. My body feels like a mixture of being burning hot and ice cold. He isn’t asking me, he’s _telling_ me. I have no idea what to respond.

“What do you-“

“You love me Kyle, I have no idea how I didn’t see it,” He smiles, “You love me.”

“How,” Why is he smiling at me like that? “How do you know th-“

“Wendy told me,” He motions to Wendy standing next to the cafeteria doors, smiling at me. I’m going to kill her, “She was telling the truth, wasn’t she?” I have to handle my next words with extreme caution. They have to be poetic, but not sappy. I have to tell him how I have felt for him since that day at the waterpark. He has to know.

“Yes,” Is all I manage to get out, “She wasn’t lying.” For some reason, my confession of my undying love for him feels a bit underwhelming. He nods and looks at the floor, contemplating his friendship with me by what I’d assume.

“Why?” I just admitted to being in love with him and all he has to ask is “why?” I think about how to answer this.

“I don’t know why I fell in love with you Stan. Maybe it’s because I find you funny, or I like how you treat me, or I think you’re cute, I really don’t know. But I do know why months later I still can’t get over you. Nearly every time I leave a conversation with you I can’t stop smiling. Every word you speak lingers on me, and I blush like some pathetic school girl just thinking back to a joke you made. You have this hold on me Stan Marsh, and it’s both the most torturous and euphoric experience of my life,” On any normal occasion, I would regret being so open with him. But after all this time, it was bound to come out sooner or later, so why not now? It’s a good a day as any to make my best friend hate me.

“Kyle… I had no idea,” He sighs and leans against a locker, his hands in his jacket pockets, “I’m such an idiot. No, even worse, I’m an ass,” He leans his head back against the locker, “I’m so sorry Kyle.”

“No it’s fine. I should have told you a long time ago,” He doesn’t seem mad. I can’t get a read on what he’s thinking right now.

“Kyle, about what I said yesterday, I didn’t mean it.”

“I know that you don’t think that I sleep around Stan,” I laugh, shocked that he feels like he needs to apologize still.

“Well yeah that, but also the other thing,” I give him a confused look, “The thing about it being a mistake. It wasn’t,” I still am completely lost, “Kyle, when I said I was confused, I wasn’t confused as to why I did it, I was confused as to why I liked it. I was confused as to why I still can’t get the feel of your skin out of my head. Why I can’t get _you_ out of my head,” Are these words really coming out of his mouth? “I really don’t understand it. Before two days ago I never really saw you in that way, or at least I thought I didn’t, but now I can’t stop. I don’t know if I’m,” He pauses to get a read from my face, which is still staring at him in disbelief, “I don’t know if I’m gay or what, maybe bisexual? But I do know that I have feelings for you Ky,” He laughs, seeming relieved to get this off of his chest. I don’t know if I want to cry or smile, probably both. I run my hands through my hair.

“Are you bullshitting me right now Stan?” I begin laughing, with a couple of tears streaming down my face. He laughs with me, or maybe at me since I probably look like a wreck right now.

“No, I’m not bullshitting you Kyle. I-” He takes a step closer to me, “I want to be with you. I mean if that’s what you want.” Those words are all it takes for me to close the gap between our lips. _I want to be with you._ He grabs my hair to pull me closer to him, as if it were possible to be any closer to each other than we are now. _I want to be with you._ I can feel him smiling, which of course makes me do the same. _I want to be with you._ We pull apart from each other. His eyes look as if he’s intoxicated, and I’m sure mine look the same.

“Of course it’s what I want.”

*

Stan and I walk to his house after school. The day went by pretty quickly after getting with the boy of my dreams. His parents aren’t home so he unlocks his front door and we go straight up to his room. I’ve been in his room a thousand times, but something about it seems different. It’s not Stan Marsh’s room anymore, it’s my _boyfriend’s_ room.

“Do you wanna watch this,” I look over to see Stan holding an unopened Captain America: Civil War Blu-ray, “We saw it together for the first time, so it’s only fitting we watch it for the second time together,” He gives me a puppy dog face that I would never be able to resist.

“Only if you promise to not give me fun facts about the making of the movie as we’re watching it,” I say, fully aware he can’t help himself, which I don’t mind since I find it cute as hell.

“Ugh fine,” He opens the case and puts the Blu-ray in, then proceeds to plant himself on the ground at the foot of his bed.

“Why are we sitting on the floor when there’s a perfectly good bed right behind you?”

“Because we can hear the T.V way better down here, plus it gives us more room to cuddle, now shush and come sit down,” he pats the floor next to him, his eyes intensely staring at the screen. I just roll my eyes and give in. I really don’t mind where we sit as long as I’m next to him.

“Did you know that this film was released the same year as the 75th anniversary of Captain America?” He immediately breaks my one rule, but I ignore it and just smile and act like I didn’t know that. As the film progresses, I watch him excited as each new hero is introduced. I spend the entire movie essentially watching him instead of the screen. I just can’t get enough of Stan Marsh. In that moment, His eyes were so brown and encaptivating, I could have gotten lost in them for hours. His voice was so soft and soothing, I could have replaced every song with his voice and have been completely content. His body looked so comforting and inviting, I could have fallen into him.


End file.
